5 Tips To Make Your Holidays Better

Tip 1: Be attractive. I can't stress this enough people! Be attractive...b....e...attractive. True, its winter time, so its easy to hide those pudgy bodies underneath stylish jumpers (sweaters...preferably black), but unless you're covering your face, you might want to consider being attractive. If you're not...well...take that one up with god.

Tip 2: Drink. Nothing keeps you warm in the cold, better than a good scotch...well...maybe hot coca by the fireplace while cuddling up with someone...which leads us to..

Tip 3: Get someone. No one wants to be alone during the holidays. Its not about the gifts, or the heart, its about the warmth. It doesn't have to be the deepest relationship, heck it can be brand spanking new. But everyone wants someone that they can cuddle with, laugh, dance and drink with. But more importantly, someone to kiss at New Years. So forget love, give into your lust and go out and find someone hot and new.

Tip 4: Charity. Yeah...most of you didn't see this one coming. As many of you know, I'm big on charity for children. So please, give to Toy for Tots or any other local charitable organizations that will help kids this holiday season. Catholic Charities and Goodwill are two others that are well known. So yeah...give back...help the kids...

Tip 5: Flag Football!! Thats right bitches!! You think your game is tight?!!?! Think that you can take on me and my american crew (isn't that the name of a store)? Well get ready to be served (like in the movie you got...nevermind). Nothing, absolutely nothing brings friends and family together better than Flag Football. Not only will it be healthy and fun, it's also a great way to meet new people.

Will Work for PS3

So my friend needed a PS3 and decided to post a bulletin about it on MySpace. I've re-posted his bulletin, complete with spelling mistakes, below...Hilarious!!



Subject : Ladies Get me a PS3 and I may let u have sex with me

Yes ...its probable.. a PS3 will give u Platnuim benefits and a PSP will entitle you to the Gold benefits but under certain conditions..
1. You can't weigh more than me. sturdyness cannot be guranteed under extreme conditions
2. U have to be at least a bit appealing( may overlook if ur a platnuim member)..and know a foreign Language...Mexican will suffice...
3. Service-to-clientelle confidentiality will be enfore ...in lame man's term keep it on the Hush
4. Visitation of the Ps3/pSp unit must be agreed upon by both parties and a violation to these guidelines will result in a penalty
5. finally u can't be dating one of the homies
so there u have it ...this is strictly a co-biotic or symbiotic relationship...now some of u may wonder why I'm I doing this ...well this is my good deed for the year
SO APPLY NOW WHILE OFFERs' LAST
Yeap

Family Feud aka Win by Not Losing

This must be said:
Niis-ama (older brother…learn Japanese) has game!! Seriously, I’m good at what I do, but he is great at what he does! To go up against someone of his abilities is not something anyone should do lightly. It’s never a clean victory….thankfully I like to play dirty!! (and a little Power never hurts)

The players:
K (My brother's friend, visiting from Oregon), G (my white friend…every black guy needs at least one...I have 2!!), J (my Nigerian friend/cousin…I don’t like Nigerians, but J is like family to me…good peoples), M (my older brother, aka Nii-sama. Seriously, his game is so sick…it’s got Ebola!!), Fabian (Me, aka Donovan, aka the cute guy next to the hot chick), K’s cute friend (I forget her name…lets call her Cutie)

The setup:
K is in town!! YAY!! Time to go the The Whiskey…yes again!! I swear I really hate that place….oh well…it’s always…um…interesting. As we walk up to the door, she decides to introduce us to her cute friend who is waiting for us. Chick. Is. Cute. I lean over to Nii-sama and say “Dude, I got this!”. Guess what!! This bastard says “No man, I’m going after her, and you can’t stop me”. WTF!! Did hell freeze over?!? M is like G, they don’t like white girls!! Yeah I know, white guy who doesn’t like white girls….go figure. Where was I? Oh yeah. WTF!!! Damn….I can’t try to directly block my brother…his game is too strong….you probably thought I was going to spout some nonsense about blood being thick, or bro’s before hoes huh? Guess what? Nope!

The game:
I pull a huddle with G and J. Its game time! Plan is set and its time to execute. Remember, with someone like M, it’s not about winning; it’s about making him lose. So I throw my charm into full effect. Hmm…it’s not working…she must have some kind of force field (Star Trek reference…sue me). Hmmm…she’s…not…feeling me…wow…this is different. But that’s ok, I mean come on, I can’t expect EVERY girl to want me…just 90% of them. So I can’t get her…I should prob let it go and let my brother do his thing…LOL!! Well, obviously I didn’t or I wouldn’t be writing this.

Execute plan:
All For One and Whore For None (she wasn’t a whore…I just liked the name of the plan…I’m creative). M and Cutie are at the bar chatting it up, I walk over and throw some charm out there. She has on her charm proof vest (eBay it) so they bounce right off. Cue G. He slides right between them to order a drink as we start talking about some crazy shit my bro has done. She winces…its working. Crap. He’s flexing his power. As G is forced (seriously Nii-sama…don’t be a savage), out of his way, he starts spitting again. Cue J. He walks over, spins M around and says “Dude, I just say your girlfriend on the dance floor”. Cutie asks “You have a girl friend?” Now, my brother didn’t have a girlfriend. He looks at me with anger for he knows what I’m doing. Before he can reply G adds in “Of course he does. But you know how M is…” I look at her. Shrug and smile (it’s a cute thing I do to show off my dimples). Now I know what you’re thinking. If M’s game is so strong, why couldn’t he get around that? Well…my brother may have game, but I have power. Right after we told Cutie the lie, guess who walks up to my brother? One of the girls he was “talking” to and was interested in. Yep, she just happened to be there….I have power (bending the universe to my will and the sort).Well…that’s the end of that. I didn’t get her…but more importantly, neither did M!!

Aftermath:
Now I know what most of you are thinking. Fabian is a hater. Wrong. Wait, what does “hater” mean again…really? Wow…um…no, you’re still wrong. I’m not a hater; I just don’t like being told what I can’t do. I can’t block him!?!? Since when!?!? I’m Fabian!! Anyways, this was like 2 years ago and we met some other chicks on the way out of the club so it all ended up ok……but seriously K, how could your friend NOT like me? I mean…come on!!

Ask Me: Drinks and Thinks

Unsure in Oregon:
Dear Fabian Donovan, I need your help. I go on dates with girls, but never close the deal. I mean, whats so bad abotu dinner and a movie? Its classic, but afterwards they just call it a night. What should I do? How can I get out of this rut?

FD:
Well first of let me just say this...you're an idiot. Dinner and a movie? Dinner..and a freaking movie?!? How old are you 50? Dinner and a movie is what people did before dance clubs we invented. If you want to "close the deal", then take your dates out for dancing and drinks. Statistics show that you're 60% more likely to score after a night of drinks and dance, than you are after dinner and a movie....seriously, dinner and a movie? Stop taking dating advice from your grandpa!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Nerd in Ohio:
Fabian you've gotta help me. I'm 23 years old, but I still get shy around women. What should I do?

FB:
Hmm...23 years old and you still get shy around women...well, maybe you're just not cut out for dating women. My advice, switch to men.

How to show a guy you don't like him, especially when you do

True Story!!

I love my friends, I truly do. When I call someone friend, they are like family to me. I'd do anything (almost...I mean there is the law and all), to help them. But the reason I love my friends is because they are a reflection of a part of me. Some of my friends are saccharin sweet, while others are...well...crazy. But that’s ok, because I'm all those things (hold your comments). But every now and then my friends surprise me...not with what they do...but how they date.

Setup: So I'm hanging out with one of my really close friends. She tells me that she has a guy problem. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to break some knees, she says no...It’s dating related. Now, for those that don't know, here’s a secret, I'm a dating guru, sorry I meant to say GURU!! I know how women think, and I know how guys think. If you EVER need help, just call, text, email, smoke sign, messenger pigeon me. So what’s the prob I ask....

The Problem: She and this guy went on a date. They had a lot of fun, and even kissed at the end. (Guys, if a girl tells you she doesn't kiss on the first date...she only means she doesn't kiss YOU on the first date!). Now, here’s where all the weirdness begins (seriously people…learn to date).The next day, she goes to the library awaiting a study group and sees him there talking to a girl (prob just a friend), she…get this…IGNORES HIM and goes off to the far side of the building. So while she’s there, playing it cool, her professor walks up to her and starts talking. Thinking that he might notice her there, she ends the convo and runs inside to library to hide at its entrance(don’t ask me why she’s acting crazy, just understand that she is). If that weren’t bad enough the guy walks inside the entrance and sees her hiding there…LOL!!!...Ladies, never hide…unless you don’t like him.

They shared an awkward moment (don’t you love those? Yeah, me neither). But the guy likes her so, he texts her two days later (yeah, the two day rule...LAME!!) and invites her to a bbq at his house. She says that she can go, but at the last minute she has to cancel because of previous plans. Girls, unless your family is dying, don’t cancel at the last minute...unless you don’t like him. But to make up for her cancellation, she makes the worst mistake a girl can make…she invites him to hang out with her friends!!

This is the one rule about dating you must ALL learn, guys and girls…gather ‘round. Girls, if a guy invites you to hang with his friends, it’s because he likes you. He’s afraid he can’t be funny and natural around you, and wants to play of the energy of his friends to show that he’s cool. Now, girls might be thinking the same thing when they invite a guy to hang, but that’s not how guys see it. A guy sees this: “She wants me to hang out with her and her friends? WTF!! I’m in the friend zone!! She doesn’t like me! NOOOO!!! BANG!!” (he just shot himself). Why do we see it like this? Simple. If her friends are all guys, well then I’m in the friend zone or at least very uncomfortable (she might be a hoe!!). If they’re all girls, well then I’m in the friend zone or in the gay friend zone. Either way, unless you’ve been seeing each other for a while, ladies, do not invite a guy to hang with your friends…unless you don’t like him.

He couldn’t go (that’s just what he said...he didn’t want to go). One week later he invites her over for some hot tubing. He says they’ll be some friends over so is way casual. She accepts and shows up at his door with one of her friends (girl). She walks in to find that it’s only the guy, his roommate and his roommates girlfriend…yep a double date. So she brought a friend on a date….how awesome….wait what?...not that kind of friend or date...LAME!!

Girls…when a guy asks you out, DON’T BRING A FRIEND!!! It doesn’t matter what it is you’re doing, never bring a friend….unless you’re afraid of the guy, then you prob shouldn’t be on the date…or if you don’t like the guy

They had fun. Met again (randomly…seriously wtf?!?) at a pub, saw a movie. Made plans. She cancelled (yes again…her fam was in town…LOL!!). She texts him to hang, he says he has to study. Infact, she texts him a sweet line...he answers the text, but ignores the line. She gets mad at him…says that she “put her self out there”…(WTF!! What do you think he’s been doing!!!! Ladies, guys are ALWAYS texting sweet lines and getting nothing. You send one sweet line, it gets ignored and you’re upset…ok)

So finally, they meet at a softball game….she chats for like 1 min…and bolts!! In fairness, she had somewhere to be. So a week or so goes by….she calls him and says what’s up. Asks how come he hasn’t called her…he says…wait for it…wait for it…”You’re not interested in me. You’re always busy and you never call me.”

Conclusion: “So Fabian, why would he say that?”, she asks me….I look at her with complete bewilderment...then answer “Um…because you don’t like him? You act shady, don’t call, and never initiate contact, only responses”. “But…but…I sent him a sweet line…I put myself out there”, she answers….(women and men truly are from different planets)

Moral of the story: Ladies- Do NOT invite a guy to hang with your friends, do not cancel on him at the last minute, please respond to his messages and, for the love of god, INITIATE!! Yes, I know you’re busy…funny thing is, so is everybody else.

Help: I gave her advice. She called him, they chatted. They’re going out this weekend. They'll prob name their first daughter Fabiana or something. Good job Fabian….good job

Trapped in the Closet

So I was hanging out with my friends over the weekend, and she tells me a story of her ex boyfriend. Well, this story was so freaking good, that I HAD to share it with the world. So here it is, tales from my friends: Trapped in the Closet.

So its her sophomore year in college and she's dating a senior who is soon to graduate. She's going through some tough family issues and he...um...hates his job. No seriously, that's what he'd talk about. She wanted to share her feelings and sadness about her family, and he wanted to talk about how much he hates his job. Guys like this make me look bad.

Time for a break up. Now, I've heard that breakups are hard...but I'm attractive and have never been dumped so I don't really know. But the one thing I do know, is that women don't take rejection well...but that's a different story. Now her friends had been telling her for months to break it off with him, but she's notorious for not taking good advice. She waits until he graduates and moves back home to his parents. Then she calls and ends it...still not as bad as doing it over email.

Now here is where it gets...um...disturbing. So the summer goes by, and the new school year starts. Yay? Oh, and there's a big school football game that weekend too. Everyone is going to be there...everyone.

Her and her roommate come home to her apartment...the door is open. They cautiously walk inside. They hear a noise...its coming from her bedroom. Now, instead of running out screaming and calling the police, they decide to "see where the noise is coming from". Obviously they don't watch horror movies. As her roommate and her approach the door to her bedroom, they notice that it is slight ajar. They walk inside...the noise is louder. Their eyes quickly dart around the room in hopes of finding the source of that noise...the closet.

The door to the closet is closed, but they know that the noise is coming from the other side of it. They walk closer, hand in hand...um...they're not those kind of roommates...I don't think...anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, so they walk up to the closet door. Take a deep breath and prepare their minds for the worse. Grab the handle, and yank the door open....

The sight that they laid their eyes upon, was worse than anything they could ever imagine. The horror that they saw still haunts me, yes me, till this very day. Sitting at the bottom of her closet was her now ex boyfriend. He was looking through and old photo album that she made of them...and he was crying...loudly...weeping...Tears and snots flowed freely from hisred puffy face...Now, I'm all for sensitive men...but never, and I mean, NEVER of I heard of a man breaking into his ex-girlfriends apartment, to hide in the closet and cry...CRY!!!

With tears streaming down with face, and his voice catching in his throat, he looks up at her and says, "Why did we ever break up?".

Maybe its because he's crying like a castrated dog....maybe....

Moral of the story, if you want to woo a woman, don't break into her place, hide in her closet, look through old albums, and cry your eyes out...seriously, its not only unmanly, its down right whack!! Its disgusting....ewwww...

My Emo Friend

We all have one. An emo friend. Not Emo in the traditional "I cut myself to feel something" way, but in the "I can't take a joke and will get butt hurt if you make fun of me" way. Sad...truly sad. You know the type, heck, you might be the type. The type that will make fun of someone all day. The type that will crack jokes about everyone they know, met, saw and work with. The type that will laugh hardest at someone expense.
Also the type that can't take a joke about themselves. The type that will cry and complain as soon as someone comments on their white socks and black shoes. The type that will dis your old car, while they ride the bus. They are the new emo...and they are freaking annoying!!

Quick story, I knew an overweight guy in his mid thirties, who was married to a woman in her late fifties. He loved to tell jokes. He would always make jokes skinny and gay jokes, why? Well, I'm fit and dress well. Having style doesn't make you gay...sleeping with men does. Anyways, so one day he was on a roll. No worries, I can take a joke. So we're going back and forth, until I get bored and stop. He keeps going!! For another 15 mins he's "crackign wise" about me. Worst of all, his jokes weren't even funny. But he sure was laughing his fat ass off. So I decided to end it...I decided to drop my sword. After one of his jokes falls flat, I look at him and say "Dude, don't you molest the elderly every night?" He stopped talking to me...for a week.

Now Listen, I don't care if someone makes fun of others habitually. Heck, its fun. I do it all the time. Seriously, do you read my blog? Anyways, being able to dish it, but not take it is NOT cool. Not cool at all. So if you know someone like that, tell them to cut it out. Tell them that they suck. Tell them to kill themselves. Oh, and if you do happen to be this kind of person....KILL YOURSELF!!!