5 Tips To Make Your Holidays Better

Tip 1: Be attractive. I can't stress this enough people! Be attractive...b....e...attractive. True, its winter time, so its easy to hide those pudgy bodies underneath stylish jumpers (sweaters...preferably black), but unless you're covering your face, you might want to consider being attractive. If you're not...well...take that one up with god.

Tip 2: Drink. Nothing keeps you warm in the cold, better than a good scotch...well...maybe hot coca by the fireplace while cuddling up with someone...which leads us to..

Tip 3: Get someone. No one wants to be alone during the holidays. Its not about the gifts, or the heart, its about the warmth. It doesn't have to be the deepest relationship, heck it can be brand spanking new. But everyone wants someone that they can cuddle with, laugh, dance and drink with. But more importantly, someone to kiss at New Years. So forget love, give into your lust and go out and find someone hot and new.

Tip 4: Charity. Yeah...most of you didn't see this one coming. As many of you know, I'm big on charity for children. So please, give to Toy for Tots or any other local charitable organizations that will help kids this holiday season. Catholic Charities and Goodwill are two others that are well known. So yeah...give back...help the kids...

Tip 5: Flag Football!! Thats right bitches!! You think your game is tight?!!?! Think that you can take on me and my american crew (isn't that the name of a store)? Well get ready to be served (like in the movie you got...nevermind). Nothing, absolutely nothing brings friends and family together better than Flag Football. Not only will it be healthy and fun, it's also a great way to meet new people.

Will Work for PS3

So my friend needed a PS3 and decided to post a bulletin about it on MySpace. I've re-posted his bulletin, complete with spelling mistakes, below...Hilarious!!



Subject : Ladies Get me a PS3 and I may let u have sex with me

Yes ...its probable.. a PS3 will give u Platnuim benefits and a PSP will entitle you to the Gold benefits but under certain conditions..
1. You can't weigh more than me. sturdyness cannot be guranteed under extreme conditions
2. U have to be at least a bit appealing( may overlook if ur a platnuim member)..and know a foreign Language...Mexican will suffice...
3. Service-to-clientelle confidentiality will be enfore ...in lame man's term keep it on the Hush
4. Visitation of the Ps3/pSp unit must be agreed upon by both parties and a violation to these guidelines will result in a penalty
5. finally u can't be dating one of the homies
so there u have it ...this is strictly a co-biotic or symbiotic relationship...now some of u may wonder why I'm I doing this ...well this is my good deed for the year
SO APPLY NOW WHILE OFFERs' LAST
Yeap

Family Feud aka Win by Not Losing

This must be said:
Niis-ama (older brother…learn Japanese) has game!! Seriously, I’m good at what I do, but he is great at what he does! To go up against someone of his abilities is not something anyone should do lightly. It’s never a clean victory….thankfully I like to play dirty!! (and a little Power never hurts)

The players:
K (My brother's friend, visiting from Oregon), G (my white friend…every black guy needs at least one...I have 2!!), J (my Nigerian friend/cousin…I don’t like Nigerians, but J is like family to me…good peoples), M (my older brother, aka Nii-sama. Seriously, his game is so sick…it’s got Ebola!!), Fabian (Me, aka Donovan, aka the cute guy next to the hot chick), K’s cute friend (I forget her name…lets call her Cutie)

The setup:
K is in town!! YAY!! Time to go the The Whiskey…yes again!! I swear I really hate that place….oh well…it’s always…um…interesting. As we walk up to the door, she decides to introduce us to her cute friend who is waiting for us. Chick. Is. Cute. I lean over to Nii-sama and say “Dude, I got this!”. Guess what!! This bastard says “No man, I’m going after her, and you can’t stop me”. WTF!! Did hell freeze over?!? M is like G, they don’t like white girls!! Yeah I know, white guy who doesn’t like white girls….go figure. Where was I? Oh yeah. WTF!!! Damn….I can’t try to directly block my brother…his game is too strong….you probably thought I was going to spout some nonsense about blood being thick, or bro’s before hoes huh? Guess what? Nope!

The game:
I pull a huddle with G and J. Its game time! Plan is set and its time to execute. Remember, with someone like M, it’s not about winning; it’s about making him lose. So I throw my charm into full effect. Hmm…it’s not working…she must have some kind of force field (Star Trek reference…sue me). Hmmm…she’s…not…feeling me…wow…this is different. But that’s ok, I mean come on, I can’t expect EVERY girl to want me…just 90% of them. So I can’t get her…I should prob let it go and let my brother do his thing…LOL!! Well, obviously I didn’t or I wouldn’t be writing this.

Execute plan:
All For One and Whore For None (she wasn’t a whore…I just liked the name of the plan…I’m creative). M and Cutie are at the bar chatting it up, I walk over and throw some charm out there. She has on her charm proof vest (eBay it) so they bounce right off. Cue G. He slides right between them to order a drink as we start talking about some crazy shit my bro has done. She winces…its working. Crap. He’s flexing his power. As G is forced (seriously Nii-sama…don’t be a savage), out of his way, he starts spitting again. Cue J. He walks over, spins M around and says “Dude, I just say your girlfriend on the dance floor”. Cutie asks “You have a girl friend?” Now, my brother didn’t have a girlfriend. He looks at me with anger for he knows what I’m doing. Before he can reply G adds in “Of course he does. But you know how M is…” I look at her. Shrug and smile (it’s a cute thing I do to show off my dimples). Now I know what you’re thinking. If M’s game is so strong, why couldn’t he get around that? Well…my brother may have game, but I have power. Right after we told Cutie the lie, guess who walks up to my brother? One of the girls he was “talking” to and was interested in. Yep, she just happened to be there….I have power (bending the universe to my will and the sort).Well…that’s the end of that. I didn’t get her…but more importantly, neither did M!!

Aftermath:
Now I know what most of you are thinking. Fabian is a hater. Wrong. Wait, what does “hater” mean again…really? Wow…um…no, you’re still wrong. I’m not a hater; I just don’t like being told what I can’t do. I can’t block him!?!? Since when!?!? I’m Fabian!! Anyways, this was like 2 years ago and we met some other chicks on the way out of the club so it all ended up ok……but seriously K, how could your friend NOT like me? I mean…come on!!

Ask Me: Drinks and Thinks

Unsure in Oregon:
Dear Fabian Donovan, I need your help. I go on dates with girls, but never close the deal. I mean, whats so bad abotu dinner and a movie? Its classic, but afterwards they just call it a night. What should I do? How can I get out of this rut?

FD:
Well first of let me just say this...you're an idiot. Dinner and a movie? Dinner..and a freaking movie?!? How old are you 50? Dinner and a movie is what people did before dance clubs we invented. If you want to "close the deal", then take your dates out for dancing and drinks. Statistics show that you're 60% more likely to score after a night of drinks and dance, than you are after dinner and a movie....seriously, dinner and a movie? Stop taking dating advice from your grandpa!!

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Nerd in Ohio:
Fabian you've gotta help me. I'm 23 years old, but I still get shy around women. What should I do?

FB:
Hmm...23 years old and you still get shy around women...well, maybe you're just not cut out for dating women. My advice, switch to men.

How to show a guy you don't like him, especially when you do

True Story!!

I love my friends, I truly do. When I call someone friend, they are like family to me. I'd do anything (almost...I mean there is the law and all), to help them. But the reason I love my friends is because they are a reflection of a part of me. Some of my friends are saccharin sweet, while others are...well...crazy. But that’s ok, because I'm all those things (hold your comments). But every now and then my friends surprise me...not with what they do...but how they date.

Setup: So I'm hanging out with one of my really close friends. She tells me that she has a guy problem. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to break some knees, she says no...It’s dating related. Now, for those that don't know, here’s a secret, I'm a dating guru, sorry I meant to say GURU!! I know how women think, and I know how guys think. If you EVER need help, just call, text, email, smoke sign, messenger pigeon me. So what’s the prob I ask....

The Problem: She and this guy went on a date. They had a lot of fun, and even kissed at the end. (Guys, if a girl tells you she doesn't kiss on the first date...she only means she doesn't kiss YOU on the first date!). Now, here’s where all the weirdness begins (seriously people…learn to date).The next day, she goes to the library awaiting a study group and sees him there talking to a girl (prob just a friend), she…get this…IGNORES HIM and goes off to the far side of the building. So while she’s there, playing it cool, her professor walks up to her and starts talking. Thinking that he might notice her there, she ends the convo and runs inside to library to hide at its entrance(don’t ask me why she’s acting crazy, just understand that she is). If that weren’t bad enough the guy walks inside the entrance and sees her hiding there…LOL!!!...Ladies, never hide…unless you don’t like him.

They shared an awkward moment (don’t you love those? Yeah, me neither). But the guy likes her so, he texts her two days later (yeah, the two day rule...LAME!!) and invites her to a bbq at his house. She says that she can go, but at the last minute she has to cancel because of previous plans. Girls, unless your family is dying, don’t cancel at the last minute...unless you don’t like him. But to make up for her cancellation, she makes the worst mistake a girl can make…she invites him to hang out with her friends!!

This is the one rule about dating you must ALL learn, guys and girls…gather ‘round. Girls, if a guy invites you to hang with his friends, it’s because he likes you. He’s afraid he can’t be funny and natural around you, and wants to play of the energy of his friends to show that he’s cool. Now, girls might be thinking the same thing when they invite a guy to hang, but that’s not how guys see it. A guy sees this: “She wants me to hang out with her and her friends? WTF!! I’m in the friend zone!! She doesn’t like me! NOOOO!!! BANG!!” (he just shot himself). Why do we see it like this? Simple. If her friends are all guys, well then I’m in the friend zone or at least very uncomfortable (she might be a hoe!!). If they’re all girls, well then I’m in the friend zone or in the gay friend zone. Either way, unless you’ve been seeing each other for a while, ladies, do not invite a guy to hang with your friends…unless you don’t like him.

He couldn’t go (that’s just what he said...he didn’t want to go). One week later he invites her over for some hot tubing. He says they’ll be some friends over so is way casual. She accepts and shows up at his door with one of her friends (girl). She walks in to find that it’s only the guy, his roommate and his roommates girlfriend…yep a double date. So she brought a friend on a date….how awesome….wait what?...not that kind of friend or date...LAME!!

Girls…when a guy asks you out, DON’T BRING A FRIEND!!! It doesn’t matter what it is you’re doing, never bring a friend….unless you’re afraid of the guy, then you prob shouldn’t be on the date…or if you don’t like the guy

They had fun. Met again (randomly…seriously wtf?!?) at a pub, saw a movie. Made plans. She cancelled (yes again…her fam was in town…LOL!!). She texts him to hang, he says he has to study. Infact, she texts him a sweet line...he answers the text, but ignores the line. She gets mad at him…says that she “put her self out there”…(WTF!! What do you think he’s been doing!!!! Ladies, guys are ALWAYS texting sweet lines and getting nothing. You send one sweet line, it gets ignored and you’re upset…ok)

So finally, they meet at a softball game….she chats for like 1 min…and bolts!! In fairness, she had somewhere to be. So a week or so goes by….she calls him and says what’s up. Asks how come he hasn’t called her…he says…wait for it…wait for it…”You’re not interested in me. You’re always busy and you never call me.”

Conclusion: “So Fabian, why would he say that?”, she asks me….I look at her with complete bewilderment...then answer “Um…because you don’t like him? You act shady, don’t call, and never initiate contact, only responses”. “But…but…I sent him a sweet line…I put myself out there”, she answers….(women and men truly are from different planets)

Moral of the story: Ladies- Do NOT invite a guy to hang with your friends, do not cancel on him at the last minute, please respond to his messages and, for the love of god, INITIATE!! Yes, I know you’re busy…funny thing is, so is everybody else.

Help: I gave her advice. She called him, they chatted. They’re going out this weekend. They'll prob name their first daughter Fabiana or something. Good job Fabian….good job

Trapped in the Closet

So I was hanging out with my friends over the weekend, and she tells me a story of her ex boyfriend. Well, this story was so freaking good, that I HAD to share it with the world. So here it is, tales from my friends: Trapped in the Closet.

So its her sophomore year in college and she's dating a senior who is soon to graduate. She's going through some tough family issues and he...um...hates his job. No seriously, that's what he'd talk about. She wanted to share her feelings and sadness about her family, and he wanted to talk about how much he hates his job. Guys like this make me look bad.

Time for a break up. Now, I've heard that breakups are hard...but I'm attractive and have never been dumped so I don't really know. But the one thing I do know, is that women don't take rejection well...but that's a different story. Now her friends had been telling her for months to break it off with him, but she's notorious for not taking good advice. She waits until he graduates and moves back home to his parents. Then she calls and ends it...still not as bad as doing it over email.

Now here is where it gets...um...disturbing. So the summer goes by, and the new school year starts. Yay? Oh, and there's a big school football game that weekend too. Everyone is going to be there...everyone.

Her and her roommate come home to her apartment...the door is open. They cautiously walk inside. They hear a noise...its coming from her bedroom. Now, instead of running out screaming and calling the police, they decide to "see where the noise is coming from". Obviously they don't watch horror movies. As her roommate and her approach the door to her bedroom, they notice that it is slight ajar. They walk inside...the noise is louder. Their eyes quickly dart around the room in hopes of finding the source of that noise...the closet.

The door to the closet is closed, but they know that the noise is coming from the other side of it. They walk closer, hand in hand...um...they're not those kind of roommates...I don't think...anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, so they walk up to the closet door. Take a deep breath and prepare their minds for the worse. Grab the handle, and yank the door open....

The sight that they laid their eyes upon, was worse than anything they could ever imagine. The horror that they saw still haunts me, yes me, till this very day. Sitting at the bottom of her closet was her now ex boyfriend. He was looking through and old photo album that she made of them...and he was crying...loudly...weeping...Tears and snots flowed freely from hisred puffy face...Now, I'm all for sensitive men...but never, and I mean, NEVER of I heard of a man breaking into his ex-girlfriends apartment, to hide in the closet and cry...CRY!!!

With tears streaming down with face, and his voice catching in his throat, he looks up at her and says, "Why did we ever break up?".

Maybe its because he's crying like a castrated dog....maybe....

Moral of the story, if you want to woo a woman, don't break into her place, hide in her closet, look through old albums, and cry your eyes out...seriously, its not only unmanly, its down right whack!! Its disgusting....ewwww...

My Emo Friend

We all have one. An emo friend. Not Emo in the traditional "I cut myself to feel something" way, but in the "I can't take a joke and will get butt hurt if you make fun of me" way. Sad...truly sad. You know the type, heck, you might be the type. The type that will make fun of someone all day. The type that will crack jokes about everyone they know, met, saw and work with. The type that will laugh hardest at someone expense.
Also the type that can't take a joke about themselves. The type that will cry and complain as soon as someone comments on their white socks and black shoes. The type that will dis your old car, while they ride the bus. They are the new emo...and they are freaking annoying!!

Quick story, I knew an overweight guy in his mid thirties, who was married to a woman in her late fifties. He loved to tell jokes. He would always make jokes skinny and gay jokes, why? Well, I'm fit and dress well. Having style doesn't make you gay...sleeping with men does. Anyways, so one day he was on a roll. No worries, I can take a joke. So we're going back and forth, until I get bored and stop. He keeps going!! For another 15 mins he's "crackign wise" about me. Worst of all, his jokes weren't even funny. But he sure was laughing his fat ass off. So I decided to end it...I decided to drop my sword. After one of his jokes falls flat, I look at him and say "Dude, don't you molest the elderly every night?" He stopped talking to me...for a week.

Now Listen, I don't care if someone makes fun of others habitually. Heck, its fun. I do it all the time. Seriously, do you read my blog? Anyways, being able to dish it, but not take it is NOT cool. Not cool at all. So if you know someone like that, tell them to cut it out. Tell them that they suck. Tell them to kill themselves. Oh, and if you do happen to be this kind of person....KILL YOURSELF!!!

The Pick Up

So its still mid-summer and you still haven't been able to find a summer fling. Well, you're either some ugly loser, or you have no confidence. If you're an ugly loser, please stop reading....seriously, GO AWAY!! This blog is NOT for you. I give advice, not miracles. But if you're semi attractive, but are just unsure as to how to approach a girl, well....its time for The Pick Up!!

Juice it Up:

So you're in one of those smoothie stores and see a cute chick. You'd like to talk to her, but you've got no balls....sad. Here's what you don't do!!

Do not order her a smoothie (she's got a job, let her get one herself)
Do not spill you smoothie on her (this is NOT cute, it only works on tv)
Do not ask her for advice on picking out a smoothie (too cliche)

So now that you know what not to do, here's what you should do:

Ask her for advice picking out a smoothie...wait what? Yeah, I know I said you shouldn't, but that because you would've done it the dumb way. Here's how you should do it, walk up to her and say.
"Um...hi...yeah, I usually don't do this, but I saw you drinking the smoothie from across the room and just had to ask...um...what kind of smoothie did you get?"

Now, what ever she says, say "Really? Hmmm...I thought you'd be more of a ____ kind of person."
If she asks "why?", then you're in. Make small talk about how you can tell a lot about someone by the smoothie that they drink. See...was that so hard. You should be able to go from there. Breaking the ice is the hardest part, and I just helped you do that...please deposit in my PayPal account.

The Google vs Yahoo

How do you search? I've noticed that every old person I know uses "Yahoo", while all the younger cats use "The Google". Yes, "The Google". Not "Google", but "The Google". Why not just "Google"? Well, that word has now become a verb. Its something that you do, not a person, place, or thing. "The Google", is a now and website, but "Google" is something that you do....see the difference?

Yeah, its a bit nerdy, but I thought it was worth noting.

So next time you want to search for "Oil of Olay Products". Don't "search" for it..."google" it.

Return of the Megaton!! aka Bathroom Stalled

Back...yes, after being gone for so long. Anyways, time for some new posts.

So I went to dinner with one of my friends. Cute smile, beautiful green eyes. Where was I? Oh yeah...so dinner is over and she needs to use the restroom. Why do women have such small bladders? Seriously, they're peeing like every 15 minutes!!! Forget stomach stappling, there should be bladder expanding surgery....maybe that's excessive.

So she heads to the ladies room and I'm waiting at the table. Ten minutes later and I'm still waiting at the table...where is this girl? Maybe she's doing a number 2?.....ewwwwwwww.....Five more minutes, she finally returns, and looks exasperated.

"Are you ok?", I ask. She looks frustrated and decides to recount what happened in the bathroom.

She went in, closed the door. Tinkled...I just said tinkle...sad... Got up and tried to leave. The door wouldn't open. She pushed and pushed and the door wouldn't open. Try as she might to move the might wooden bathroom door, it would not budge. Approaching tears she reached for her cell phone to call for help...but alas...no signal. Angered and panicked she pushed again, and pushed again, and pushed again....until she decided to pull....and the door swung open.

My Hiatus aka Nerd Story

The emails have been pouring in, asking me where I've been. Sorry about that folks, been a bit busy, traveling and such. But being on the move is no excuse so me leaving so many of you without direction...or at least a witty story. So here goes:

I went to visit my friend this weekend. Being that I don't visit as frequently as I used to, my friends try to get as much computer knowledge and work out of me as they possibly can. So I get into town on Wednesday and he promptly puts me to work. He expresses his concerns that others might be utilizing his wireless connection and slowing his internet browsing as a result. He wants me to lock down the router. Sure…why not. So I disable the SSID broadcast, wpa password protect it, and enable the mac address access list.

His girlfriend comes back from work. She opens her laptop and tries to access the wifi connection. Obviously she can't. Knowing that I'm in town, she suspects that I've locked-down the router. She spends about 30 mins trying to find me, getting angrier and angrier as time goes by. She finally finds me and asks why she can't see the SSID and if she needs the password to log on. I tell her:

"Well, just give me your mac address and I can add you onto the list. Then you'll be fine"

Angrily she points to her Compaq laptop and says, "Does that look like a Mac to you?!?"

Then she goes storming off….I laughed until I near passed out.

My 2007 New Years Resolutions

I know its old, but I wanted to share.

So I have some New Years Resolutions. My main one last year was to be nicer to people and not call fat people fat.....that didn't last long. But this year will be different!! Fabian's top 5 New Years Resolutions (No, I can't believe that I'm actually writing this either....I should put: Stop being a nerd on the list huh? If you said yes, then you should put: Stop being mean and calling Fabian a nerd on YOUR list!!...wait where was I? Um..am I still writing this inbetween a parenthesis?)

5:MAKE MORE MONEY!! (Money is my first love, acutally I have a story about how I swallowed a coin when I was still back in Nigeria...know what? Its not that interesting when I think about it...hmm...Anyways, some may say that I have too much (CHRIS!!!!), but hey, you can never have too much!!!)

4:Be Nicer to people (Ok, so I realized that being nice doesn't mean that I have to care, it just means that I have to PRETEND that I care. I used to take acting classes, I'm sure I can pull it off.)

3:Stop Being a NERD!!! (This won't happen. Why? Well, women tend to find my quirkyness quite charming. Yeah, I don't get it either. Look at it this way, with all my great qualities (looks, charm, wit, brains, etc...), I need something that makes me seem approachable to women.

2:Learn Magic!! (So I'm a huge Harry Potter fan...sue me!! But seriously, I figure that learning magic will improve my overall lifestyle. I mean....its MAGIC!! Hmm...maybe I should be looking to resolution number 3....yeah, ok, I'll create a new number 2...but I'm NOT deleting this one, I already used so much energy typing it out...yes, I'm lazy!!)

2 (again):Open up my heart (Bet you didn't see this one coming. All jokes aside, I've been really cold and mean to most of the girls I've met and dated these last two years. I'd risk many things: my life (have you seen me drive? I'm a bit....reckless), my car (notice I have a one track mind) , etc...you know what I mean...but never my heart. I've never really "put myself out there" Hell, I consider telling a gril I enjoy spending time with her "putting myself out there". But this year, I'm gonna throw my caution and cynicism to the wind. I'm gonna start wearing my heart on my sleeve, it may hurt, but I'd rather feel the pain from a broken heart, than the comfort of a love never spoken....wow....that was good, I gotta use that!!! I really should be a writer....DAMN!! Seroiusly, thats beautiful....I think I meant it too...hmm...go figure...)

1:Be inspired, and try to inspire others!! (Yeah, you prob didn't see this one coming either. So yeah, all my cockyness and sarcasm aside I do see myself as a blessed individual. Hell, we all are compared to many in this world. As every new year turns, it really is up to us, the more fortunate (family, friends, food, housing, etc...) to help and inspire those whose situation may not be as kind to them as ours is to us. There are many charitable organizations out there that are always looking for help. It doesn't have to be money either. It could be spending time with an orphan or reading to the elderly. I'm not kidding about this either. In this new year, we shouldn't waste our gifts on our own happiness. We should share it with the world. Be inspired, and try to inspire others.)

Ask Me: Hate and Late

Anxious in Nebraska:
Yo FD, I need some advice. I met a girl at the club yesterday, and got her number. I want to call her, but I know that I'm supposed to wait two days. So my question is: Can you call a girl before the two day rule?

FD:
Is this a serious question? Really? Um...ok...first off, are you 12? If not, then call the girl. But if you are a child, then please follow the two day rule and pretend that you're not interested in the girl. I know that guys are afraid to look desperate, but those fears are unfounded. If a girl thinks you're desperate for wanting to talk more and see her again, then she has emotional issues. Most girls will think that you're just interested. Hell, I've called girls one hour later and met for ice cream...what...don't judge me....she thought it was cute.

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Hating Him in California:
I hate my ex-boyfriend. That bastard cheated on me and broke my heart. I've tried to get over the pain, but I just can't seem to. I think that revenge is my only option to be able to get over this pain. What should I do?

FD:
Revenge fixes nothing. It'll only make you feel empty inside. Remember, success is the best form of revenge. If you want him to suffer, then succeed in life. When he sees, or hears of your success, he'll feel the fool for letting you get away. Trust me, that knowledge will haunt him forever. You really need to move on...but if you can't, then slash his tires, and give hi herpes. He'll hate you forever. Cheers.

Ask Me: Cheats and Chokers

Yes, I know...I've been blessed with infinite wisdom (among other things). I also know that it would be selfish of me not to share that wisdom with the world...I don't mind being selfish. Unfortunately I keep getting emails from users asking, nay, begging for my advice. So I've decided to share some of that mental gold.


Worried in Wisconsin:
Dear Fabian Donovan, I love your blog. You're funny as hell. You seem to know a lot about dating and people so I wonder if you could help me. I've been dating this guy for 6 months, and everything seemed fine. But lately he's been staying out late with his friends, and doesn't always answer my phone calls. Also, he gets texts at the oddest times of night and when I ask him about them he says that its from friends, or work. I love him so much, but I think he's being unfaithful. Is he cheating on me?

FD:
Yes

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Shy Guy in Orlando:
Fabian Donovan, I like your stuff. You're confident, and funny and the girls seem to like you. I have a problem that I'm hoping you can help me out with. Ok...I like this girl. We've been friends for a long time and I think shes really cool. Only problem is that I don't think she likes me as anything but friends. She's kinda out of my league, but loves my sense of humor. I think we get along really well, but I'm not sure what to do. Ok, so this last weekend we went out and had a lot of fun. We ate and danced and she danced really freaky with me. We had this moment where I should've made a move, but I got nervous and chickened out. Now I'm kinda scared that we won't have another moment. What should I do?

FD:
Hi Shy Guy. Hmmm...that rhymed. Anyways, on to your problems...you have more than one. Its hard to transition from friends to lovers without damaging the friendship, so I don't recommend it. But if you must, here are some ways to do it. Be attractive. Hmmm...you said that she's out of your league and she likes your "sense of humor"...well that throws that out of the window. Look kid, you had your chance when you two went out dancing. She prob got a bit drunk and in her moment of alcohol induced weakness she would've kissed you...if you had made a move. Unfortunately, you didn't make a move and so you've failed as a man...ok...that might have been a bit mean....
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Anyways people, that was the first installment. Keep those emails coming and we'll have others. Cheers.

Valentines for Singles

Ok, so although Valentines day has come and gone, its never too early to prepare for next years. Now I know what you're thinking, that just because you we single this year doesn't mean that you'll be single next year...but isn't that what you said last year? Isn't that what you said before you made your New Years Resolution to lose weight; I'm assuming you're single because of your weight. So lets be real, you were single this year, and you'll most likely be single next year. But that's ok, because until they cure blindness some woman out there might actually like you....but probably not. So until you drop that extra tire or get enough money to be a sugar daddy/mommy, here are some things to do next year for Valentines.

3.) On the Prowl - You're probably not the only one that single on Valentines, so why not go out and find other singles like you? No, not a restaurant, it'll be full of couples. Go somewhere that singles would hang out. A nice bar, or lounge. Yes, I know it'll be hard not to stay home and eat your weight in Ice Cream or play video games until you mom comes home. But remember....baby steps...baby steps. Go out and try to meet someone. Be witty, be funny...wait...that won't work. Why? Well, if you were witty and funny you probably wouldn't be single...hmmm..Oh I've got it. Bring money, and lots of it!! Buy everyone drinks and buy your way into their hearts. Remember, people love to befriend that fat funny guy...and who doesn't want another platonic relationship with someone beautiful...you? Yeah....probably have enough friends. Oh well.

2.) Singles Awareness Day - Now I'm actually surprised that more people don't do this. Listen, if you're single, you probably know a lot of other single people. So what not call them, get them to call their single friends, and get their single friends to call their single friends, and so on. Then you all get together at a friends house and celebrate Singles Awareness Day. Play twister, and various drinking and dancing games. After all that drinking and laughing and stripping (poker), you might be able to find someone you can connect with...and if you can't...well...try being attractive...trust me, it helps.

1.) Just Another Day - So you're single on yet another Valentines Day. Well, you should be used to it by now, so don't worry. Treat it as just another day. hang with your friends, or stay home and chill. It doesn't really matter as long as you're happy. All jokes aside, don't let all the advertising get to you and make you feel down. Why? Well because you will find that special someone, and when that happens, you'll realize that everyday is Valentines Day.

Yeah....I can be sweet and nice too. Anyways, so follow my advice and have a great Valentines day...next year. But seriously...be more attractive...you'll enjoy life more. Cheers.

Valentines for Couples

I didn't want to do this, I really didn't, but everyone begged me to, so here it is. After hearing about all the different "romantic" things couples did for each other for Valentines Day, I have concluded that "romance" is not only dead, but it has come back as a zombie and is feasting on "sweetness' and "thoughtfulness". But have no fear...Fabian Donovan is hear. So here's the top 3 ideas to do for next years Valentines Day (Couple's Edition). Oh, and don't worry, they don't cost a lot of money to pull off....cheap bastards.

3.) The Scenic View - After a long day at work she gets in, the whole house (or apt) is dark. The only light thats being emitted are the candles from the doorway to the couch (make sure you don't set the couch on fire...I hear thats a mood killer), where a box is waiting for her. Inside the box is a dress that she wanted (you've got to plan ahead on this one). With a note that says try it on. So she does. From the couch to the kitchen is a walkway of candles and Hershey Kisses. At the dinner table is a note that reads: "Now that I've kissed the ground you walk on, will you have dinner with me?" Yeah...thats cute. Cue the soft music, walk into the kitchen with a bottle of champagne, and enjoy the nice dinner that you prepared by hand. After dinner, you two follow the walkway of candles, candies and rose petals to the bathroom. Where you've prepared a bubble bath with rose petals on top...yeah, I know...hot. Sprinkle in some jewelry or a nice book as a gift and you've got yourself a memorable winner.

2.) Plan a Day - Why only celebrate at night, when you have a whole day? If you both have the day off, then it would be awesome...unfortunately you two broke bastards work for a living. Send flowers to her work for three days leading up to Valentines Day. A different bouquet each time. Then meet her for lunch on Valentines Day. It doesn't have to be a spectacular lunch, just something nice. Give her a poem you wrote specifically for her...yeah...cheesy, but the flowers would've put her in a cheesy mood. While she goes back into the office beaming from the food, flowers and lovely words, it'll make her co-workers jealous...which will only make her happier. Now, instead of going to a boring restaurant and looking at each other longingly from opposite sides of the table, why not go to a club or lounge. Drink, dance and have fun. Oh, um...for those who can't dance.....kill yourself. Anyways, this is a nice mix of romance and friendly fun which always leads to passion...yeah...I know.

1.) The Megaton - This should only be done if you truly, truly love the girl. If not, do something else. This...is...The Megaton. Send her flowers everyday of the week leading up to Valentines Day. A single rose the first day, then keep adding roses up until a full bouquet on the day of. Attached to the roses will be a riddle that can easily be deciphered. The riddle will send her on a short journey around the city to different shops to grab her gifts...but she will be driven around in a limo that you'll have waiting for her outside her place of work....yeah...pimp shit...The limo takes her home to get dressed. She walks into her place and find sees nothing but balloons, flowers, candies and teddy bears. Her jaw drops. Duh. She gets ready, heads back inside the limo, where you'll be waiting for her with a bottle of champagne( or fine wine). By this time shes overwhelmed....and you're probably broke. The limo drives you two to the highest or nicest restaurant in the city. You have a great dinner, then go salsa dancing (learn to salsa!!), then cap the night off back at hers and/or yours in a jacuzzi or rose petal covered bathtub. She should wake up to breakfast in bed the next morning.

Ok, so the last one is expensive. But doing any of these will make the girl love you forever and pray to have your children. But doing the last one is dangerous. Why? Because she WILL stalk you if you break up with her. The last one is the Megaton. Do it only if you want to propose, or want her to ride the tricycle with you. Cheers.

How to Ruin a Mood

So my friend calls me and we start chatting. She tells me of the date she went on with a guy. I asked how it was...she sad that the guy was mean. Now, my friend is a very sweet girl, so upon hearing this I was instantly angry at the guy. How dare he be mean to this lovely flower. How dare he! Angered, I asked her.
"How was he mean? What did he say?"
As soon as she started her answer, I knew it was her fault! Yep, I said it! She made a common girl mistake. Oh wait...here's how she started her answer.
"Well, we were cracking jokes on each other, but he went too far."
Now, I know many are asking 'how is it her fault?'. Let me explain before you explode. Here's what I KNOW happened.

They go on a nice date. He pulls the chair out for her, they both sit down and look over the menu. She orders wine, he orders beer (makes him appear more manly). She orders a nice pasta (safe, yet filling). He orders steak (he is paying after all, let him eat!!). As they wait for the food, they engage in conversation. This is where the date goes wrong. Remember people, if you want to have a good date, don't say anything!! Just keep your mouth shut, and pay for everything! The key to a successful relationship is knowing when to stfu (google it!!)!

Here's the failure of the date...she wants to test him. She'll say something witty yet slightly mean, to see how he responds. Afterall, a woman wants a man who is sharp on his feet. A man who she can't walk all over. A man whose words can make her laugh, and make others cry. So she'll give a compliment to his jacket...but comment on too much gel on his hair. He'll laugh and even add to the fun by making fun of his own jacket!! Ladies, that means that he likes you!! That means you shouldn't further test him!! But of course....you do.

She'll laugh...keep talking...then throw in a comment about him ordering the steak and needing to watch his weight. He'll laugh...but heres where it gets bad. He'll laugh, then throw in a comment about the carbs in her pasta...of course he'll quickly apologize (because he's only joking!!). But too late. She'll see it as flirting (or being mean) and want to push the envelope...completely forgetting that guys are competitive and love to win. Even in a joking contest.

So they'll go back and forth with the jokes (still all in-good fun), until she says something about him that he doesn't think is that funny...thats when he calls her a fat bitch! Stands up, and throws his drink in her face! Kidding. Just kidding. But he'll eventually say something that is hurtful. She'll pretend it doesn't faze her. Get through the rest of the date, then call her friend to talk about the jerk she went out with. He wasn't a jerk. He was a guy. No, its not an excuse...its not!! Its the truth.

Guys are accustomed to joking and ribbing their guy friends. Accustomed to seeing who can be meaner and funnier and going to great lengths to win. So when a girl starts treating him like one of the guys would...well, he tends to start treating her like one of the guys too. Now, I know what you're saying. Thats its an excuse. Well, look at it this way. Lets say you meet a really cute guy that you like. First date, you two went shoe shopping...no kiss. Second date, a day spa (I LOVE these!!). You two get a manicure and pedicure..no kiss. Third date...hell, it almost doesn't matter, at this point he's in the friend zone. Hell, lets say its the FIRST date. You're both in a restaurant and all you two talk about are your ex's, shoes and which color you should paint your toes.

Just like guys can fall into the "friend zone" based on their actions, or inactions, so can women. So don't treat him like one of his guy friends would...at least not on the first date. Now, you're asking, how will you know if you're doing that. Well, how many second dates have you been on? Yeah...I though so.

No Good Deed

I find myself fast asleep on the day of my departure. Having a wonderful dream of making pancakes...naked. For those that don't know, cooking naked is awesome, and dangerous!! Only the most skilled of chefs can accomplish this feat. Anyways, so I'm having a wonderful dream about cooking pancakes naked, when, still in my dream, I hear a phone ring. So now, in my dream, I'm running around naked looking for this damn ringing phone...

I wake up and actually answer the damn thing. Its my friend and he's here to take me to the airport. I hop out of bed, and run into my living room. Its a mess. I've gotta unpack these boxes...oh well, next time I'm around. I grab my suitcase and head downstairs. Strange really. He's here doing me a favor, yet I'm strangely upset with him for interrupting my pancake dream. Regardless, we hop in his car and set off for LAX. He's making me drive? Bastard! I've gotten an average sleep of 2 hours a night for 2 weeks; thats not an exaggeration, I did the numbers, yet he makes me drive. FINE!

We arrive at the airport, I jump out, bid him farewell, check in my luggage and grab my boarding pass. I head over to my terminal to await my flight. I'm exhausted. In between meetings, making time for friends and making time for me, I have had no time to sleep. No, making time for me does not include sleeping. I have a connecting flight that I must catch, so I'm here 2 hours early; I hate being late. Today is a first for me. First time that I'm NOT flying Virgin Atlantic on an international flight. Also first time that I have a connecting flight when going to the UK. So lets see. Early, no sleep, non Virgin (WHORE!) Atlantic flight, and a connecting flight, which means.....

So my flight has been delayed an hour...which is funny because my lay over was for 1 hour 30 mins...no, I'm not really laughing. No worries right? I land in Chicago...my flight left 10 mins ago. Fine...no worries. When is the next flight to Manchester? Oh...there is none...no worries. I go down and have to rebook to London Heathrow and then from there to Manchester...no worries...I need sleep. I'm usually laid back and things don't get to me...but I'm starting to lose it. I can feel the anger boiling within me. Its taking a lot to keep it suppressed. I hate United...I really do.

As I sit there in my seat, thats all I can think...wait...let me take it back to the terminal. I love terminals! So many cute chicks. One...two...three...ok...maybe not many, but there were a few. All with accents. Gotta love that. The last time I saw a really cute chick in the terminal, I ended up sitting next to her on the flight...my father cockblocked me...thats a different story. I find my seat...none of the cute chicks I saw are sitting in my area...I need sleep. I really do. I just need to...wait...whats this...I have a whole row to myself?!?! Hecks yeah!! Last minute booking; first class full.

I sit there stretched out. About to drift off to naked pancake land...don't judge me...when I hear a voice. I look up...its a girl...cute too...shes American. We talk for about 5 mins, exchanging pleasantries. She asks me where I'm going, I respond Manchester. She says Aberdeen. She seems nice. No, I'm not gonna chat her up...shes American, and I'm very tired. But that doesn't mean I can't be polite. Hear that men!! You can be nice just to be nice! Don't have to pick up every girl you say hi to. Geez. Again, I lay my head down, again I hear her voice. She wants to move over and share my row with me. I look at who shes sitting next to...old ugly british guy...don't blame her...but its MY row!! Now, I hate doing good things, I truly do. Why? Because every, again, I'm NOT exaggerating, EVERY time I do something nice for someone the universe punishes me for it. Give a homeless guy money, cops pull me over. Read to burn center children, stung by a bee. Talked a friend out of committing suicide (no joke), got a bad haircut...right before I ripped my favorite shirt...right before my date cancelled on me that night...right before I got in a car accident.

I moved over and let her share my row...I'm gonna regret this. I fell asleep for the entire flight, missing the meals that the unattractive non-Virgin Atlantic staff provided. Woke up in London. Past immigration, past security, down to the terminal for my next flight to Manchester, and fast asleep again. Mmmmm.....pancakes....I hear a voice again...sounds American. I feel a tap on my shoulder.
"Hey, your flight to Manchester is boarding, you don't want to miss it"
"Thanks", I respond as I head over to board my flight.

It was the American girl. We talked for 5 mins on the plane, yet she woke me up so I wouldn't miss my flight. Its the little things that people do that really touch me and give me hope for the human race. As I flew to Manchester, I couldn't help but smile. Couldn't help but think of all the things that went wrong on this trip and how it all didn't matter because of the one thing that went right. Maybe my "No good deeds" rule needed to be re-evaluated. Maybe it wasn't the universe shitting on me, but just dumb bad luck. Maybe this was a sign that things were gonna change. I truly would've believed all this if they hadn't lost my luggage....bastards!!

1st Pages of the book

“It’s quite surprising when people talk about how difficult it is for them to meet other people. My friends have tried speed dating, and organized “meet a friend” parties. Know what? That’s a lot of work. Why can’t they just meet people in normal places? Why can’t they just meet people while stuck in traffic on the 405, on their way home to Santa Monica?”

She laughs as I talk on, and on about my friends and I. Her laugh is soothing, makes me almost forget about the traffic and the unusual cold weather that we’re experiencing. As we sit in my car sharing laughs while getting to know each other, I can’t help but wonder how it was that we got to this place. I guess that’s the main problem with people. We can never live in the present, we’re always thinking about what we just did, or what we want to do. But seriously, what I just did, was freaking awesome.

You’d think that at 10:00pm in the evening on a Wednesday night that the streets would be empty and everyone would be at home with their families, settling in to watch television and talk about their day at work, unfortunately people in LA don’t love their families. That must explain why at this time of night, the freeway is packed full of cars. That also seems like the likely explanation of why some guy, about one mile ahead of me, decided to fall asleep at the wheel and cause a major accident, adding to the normal congestion of LA traffic…idiots…shouldn’t the government be doing something about them?

So now I’m surrounded by cars, and its freezing cold outside. Traffic is at a complete stop, and not one car has moved an inch in the last fifteen minutes. YAY! To the right of me, is a grey car that is in desperate need of a wash. I’d look inside to see who’s driving, but why? Cute girls drive cute cars…this car is old and busted, time to move on. Behind me? Can’t tell, their lights are blinding me. Same for the car in front of me, except it’s my lights that are doing the blinding. Well that, and the fact that their back is turned to me. To the left of me is a yellow Jetta…do cars come any cuter? Can’t see much of the driver besides her long dark hair, and the glint of blue in her eyes. She’s on the phone…probably talking to her boyfriend. The cute ones are always taken….sad.

Even before I act, I start to question myself. Is it wrong that even in stopped traffic, I’m looking for someone to chat up? Probably, but the knowledge of this obviously isn’t going to stop me. She’s off the phone, and looking incredibly bored. One should always be aware of their surroundings and use it to their advantage. I breathe on my window so that it fogs up and I can write on it. So I write, so that she can read, “I’m missing Lost”. I wait…She noticed and smiles. She writes back, “CSI, much better”. I smile back, showing of my dimples so that she can see. “What’re you up to?” I ask. ‘Stuck in traffic, you?” she responds. “Me? Window shopping.” She laughs out loud. Yeah…I know.

She rolls down her window and we start chatting, ignoring all the lights and cruddy weather that surrounds us. Most people would ask the basic questions, about work and hobbies, which would surely bore not only the asker, but also the asked. I on the other hand, unplug my ipod from my car, load up Phil Collins, and toss it over to her.

“That’s my traffic music”, I say.

She listens and starts laughing again. Questions, my taste in music, and decides to come over to my car to share her taste in music. Is she really doing this? Getting in a car with a complete stranger, just to listen to music? Well...I do have a certain charm about me, and it’s not like the cars will be moving anytime soon. But still…odd…maybe I should be the one that’s scared. She comes over and I open the door. She sits down and we do the regular name sharing introductions. As she plays her favorite 80’s songs and we laugh about the various one hit wonders that we used to idolize, I do the required reconnaissance, and find out that she has no boyfriend, and is a make-up artist for a department store. As we continue to talk, I can tell that she’s into me. All girls do the same thing when they like a guy: twist their hair, laugh at your dumb jokes, and glance at your lips from time to time. She asks what I do, and I tell her. She has the same reaction that all others do when I tell them that I work in computers. Shock.

“But you’re so….un-nerdy”, she says.

“Yeah, I’m breaking stereotypes”, I respond. “What about you? A make-up artist with an abundance of natural beauty?”

She smiles and blushes. Even in the dark, being lit only by the dull lights of my car, I can see her cheeks turn red. Yeah, I can’t believe she fell for that nonsense either.

“I bet you say-“, she started.

Before she could finish her sentence, we were kissing. Now kissing many random girls isn’t a bad thing…as long as they’re hot, but this is LA, so just make sure that the girl you’re kissing doesn’t have a penis. As we start to fog up the windows she pulls away…well this is a first. She’s looking at me...no, like looking into my eyes as if she’s searching for something.

“Um…this is a bit odd…you have a strange look in your eyes”

“Well,” she starts, “I usually don’t make out with guys I just met on the freeway. We should go out on a proper date…but I need to know…are you a nice guy?”

I smile, showing of my weapon of choice, my dimples.

“Yeah…yeah I am…”

“Oh…and..um…I forgot your name”

“…Fabian Donovan….nice to meet you…”

She smiles back, kisses me and heads back to her car. She fogs up her window and writes her number on the glass, with a little heart over the number ‘1’….yeah…cute. As the congestion dissipates and the cars start to move, my mind couldn’t help but linger on her question. “Am I a nice guy?” I certainly used to be. Used to be the guy that was so shy around girls that I would literally stutter and sweat when asked what my name was. But now I’m…well…not. So the question I found I kept asking myself was, “Do I like my new self more than my old self?”…I didn’t know.

I’m home. Car in the garage, shoes off, keys on the counter, and I quickly find the couch. I’m exhausted. Before I met the beautiful Miranda on the freeway, I’d been at the hospital. Maybe that’s why I’m questioning myself. Am I who I want to be? I’ll answer that question in the morning.